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Jun. 22nd, 2009 | 03:33 pm

I know I don't update LJ a whole lot anymore, and I suppose I owe those who watch me an explanation, not only have I sold my soul to Twitter LOL damn convenient app, but quite frankly I've just been rather depressed too often to really post anything. Most of my depression can be attributed to the fact I need a heart valve repaired/replaced within the next few months, they don't know the extent of the damage yet, but they know one of the two needs to happen because the valve won't close all the way. It's a result of the many catheters and biopsies I've had over the years to monitor my heart for rejection (for those who don't know, I had a heart transplant when I was 14, after many open heart surgeries in attempts to correct my heart). Thankfully, I haven't had any problems with rejection, I'm just a bit upset that what was supposed to be the way to monitor my heart ended up damaging it, seems like a waste. Either way while getting my valve replaced I will also be getting my chest ties removed (they go through your breast bone during the transplant, in addition to the hideous scar I still have on my chest, they reattach the breast bone with titanium ties, essentially garbage bag twisty ties x.x) as they have never been covered by my chest muscle and they should be. As embarrassing as it is, at 14 one is obviously going through puberty, and as a result of my boobs being too massive the weight of them managed to tear my chest muscle apart. WTG Tits right? So whereas a normal people wouldn't be bothered by the ties because they'd be under muscle, my are only under skin and are often excruciating if I shift/move too quickly. It feels like flesh tearing, and odds are good there IS flesh tearing. I'm very excited about getting the ties removed and having my chest muscle sewn back together because I imagine that will eliminate a lot of my pain. But I have been at my wits end about the valve, I mean yeah I've had plenty of heart surgeries, and it's not so much that I'm afraid of the procedure it's self, I guess I'm afraid of results of it. First and foremost, it will be my first overnight operation at an adult hospital, so I'm kind of scared that I won't be able to have my Mom or Dad sleeping in a chair in the corner if I wake up in the middle of the night and something is wrong. My next big concern is I'm very worried I'll have limited access to seeing Tim, as it is he's planning on coming down with me and staying with me the whole time, which means the world to me, but I'm technically not related to him, he's my b/f not my husband or anything, so I'm nervous the hospital won't let him be there for like family only time, or that he can only come during certain times. I'm also of course worried about whether the operation itself will be successful, or whether my luck has run out, as well as I'm VERY worried if this is just the first thing to go wrong in a potentially long future list of things that will have to be fixed, repaired, replaced etc. I have made the decision that I can not mentally go through another transplant, I couldn't handle the guilt of knowing two people have died to I can live, not to mention going through the bi-weekly/monthly/6 months biopsies and caths again, I'm not strong enough to handle that again. So I really worry and hope that the valve will be the only problem. I'm also worried about more vain reasons of course, they can't replace the valve and take out the ties with the same incision, so the main scar down the center of my chest I have been fighting to hide/cover for 11 years will have to be reopened (though the dr. assured me he would close it much smaller and more discreet, more like a plastic surgery scar than a, "well let's just make sure she's alive" one) which yeah it's mentally crushing, but I hope now that I have a good arsenal of scar reducing creams/patches I can heal it better faster. My other issue is that it'll mean a new scar for the valve, I believe it will be in my ribcage, but that's hardly any relief to me, it just means something else on my body to make me feel ugly and imperfect. I know that's selfish, and I should just be happy I'm alive and whatnot, but I'd just love to feel like I'm normal for once. Anyway, that's what's going on I guess, and now that I've informed you all, I'll probably return to the world of twitter, I'll post more when I have more set dates I guess, if anyone wants me to anyway, I don't wanna keep like forcing this down your throats, I just figured some might be curious about it. Alright then, gonna go watch some TV and wait for Tim to get home so I then start figuring out what to eat, I'm hungry :(

Oh totally unrelated, but those of my buddies who live in Japan (or have) do any of you know any good recipes for shoyu ramen? I'm totally in love with it, but haven't been able to get it to taste quite perfect yet. Thanks :3

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Comments {3}

I'm a Space Rockstar

From: scaramantula
Date: Jun. 22nd, 2009 09:05 pm (UTC)

I wish you the best of luck for the surgery/ies. Hopefully the valve will be the only issue. I never knew about the ties, and I'm glad they're removing those.

Worrying about the effect of scars on your appearance is perfectly normal. Don't worry about how it makes you sound, in other words. I know there's also methods for removing scars, like with lasers, but that's probably not terribly accessible right now (but it's something to think about in the future?).

I really hope they allow Tim to stay with you. It probably depends on who you ask there, since while I'm certain hospital policy says one thing, most people will let things slide in these sorts of situations. I know that a lot of times, they'll let people in with out even asking what their affiliation is. O.o; So, as long as no one with any say doesn't decide to be some sort of douche, it should be OK.

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(。◕‿‿◕。)  ♥ Amαηdα

From: kiwi_escapism
Date: Jun. 22nd, 2009 09:59 pm (UTC)

Best of luck with the surgery, hopefully it's just the valve that needs repairing/replacing and that will be the end of it. *hug* What hospital are you having the surgery done at? I don't know if it's equipped for any kind of heart surgery but Dublin Methodist Hospital in Ohio (near Cbus) has really comfortable rooms (plenty of seating, pull out couchbed, wifi & big tvs), no set visiting hours and rooms for family members to stay in (kind of like a hotel from what I've heard). If there's any way you could have the surgery done at a hospital like that, I don't think you'd have to worry about not being able to see Tim AND your parents could stay in the room with you as much as you'd like. Hopefully they'll at least let Tim in to see you & let your parents stay. Adults need family & friends around just as much as kids do, any kind of surgery like that is scary. :( Yay for getting those ties out btw, can't imagine how that must feel. *more hugs*

Oh man, shoyu ramen. *___*

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From: kawaiimidori
Date: Jun. 24th, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC)

Good luck with everything, Kris. I can't imagine the number of feelings you must be going through. I really really hope everything works out and that your support system (family & Tim) are able to be with you at least near 24/7 and that you don't have to go through much alone. I hope everything runs smoothly because I can't bear to think otherwise. Keep me updated, and I miss you!

P.S. You are making a dog coat? What is thiiiis? :)

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